Hello moms and dads! With over 41,476 views, this is my most viewed post of all time. I wrote about this 10.5 years ago! It’s about the positive things to say to your child. I hope, as a parent, you can incorporate some of these into your life. They’ll do wonders.
(24 is my favorite. And I just did 54!)
I have this AMAZING therapist named Dr. Greenwald who I jokingly call my dad. He’s like the best father you could have but without any nagging and any judgement. Here are 10 important lessons I’ve learned from him in the 30 years I’ve been speaking to him (once a week).
1. Sometimes you need to push yourself and socialize. Being a hardcore introvert, it’s hard for me to engage in a social setting. One on one I’m good but put me in a crowd of 3+ and I seize up. I get emotionally drained at social events and I don’t feel worthy of someone’s attention. Sam and I have this close friendship with a married couple who are both doctors and I get nervous around them because I feel like they’ve accomplished so much that I feel unworthy. But then I remember I’ve accomplished a lot too and it makes me feel better. Socializing is so important, though, because it scientifically makes you happier. I always come away from meeting them with new life hacks or tips and a happy feeling because I got over my nervousness.
2. It’s ok to have only a few close friends. I have three best girlfriends (and I’m talking only three girlfriends total) that I feel super close with. Their names are Jay, Grace and Kat. These are my ride-or-die gf’s who I’ve known for 10, 20 and 40 years. You don’t have to feel validation by having a lot of friends. In fact, I like the saying: A woman who doesn’t need validation is the most feared person on the planet.
3. Remember how far you’ve come. When you are feeling down on yourself, look back to your accomplishments. The shit you went through, the depressive states you crawled your way out from. The companies you built from scratch. For me that’s my old art and culture blog My Modern Met and my current company Skylar Yoo. They’re like my babies.
4. It’s ok to give your kids mental health days. Sam and I give our two boys one mental health day a quarter. If they’re feeing overwhelmed they can take a day off school to reset. Being bipolar, I know what being overwhelmed and depressed feels like so I want my kids to grow up feeling like they can take a break and then come back stronger.
5. You can be fashionable at any weight. I used to be a size 6 in high school and then after I got on bipolar meds, my hunger kicked in and I gained 100 lbs. Yes, 100. Now I’m 230. I used to only wear black leggings and a loose shirt but then after speaking to Dr. G he said you can be fashionable at any size. I was like, you’re right~ So now I’m a size 14 and I’m embracing being an XL. Mind you, I’m on my GLP-1 and trying to size down now so let’s see how that journey goes.
6. It’s ok to grieve. When my dog recently died at 15 years old (he was eaten by a coyote), it shattered my heart. I put my hands over my face and cried uncontrollably. My sons were shocked because they had never seen me cry so hard. He was my first baby. Before I went to the hospital to have Parker, I made sure to pack a picture of Fozzy so I could see him in the delivery room. I said to him, “Things will be different now, but you’ll always be my first baby.” It was only now that I can feel joy again. I hope to get a new puppy soon to fill our house with love again. Dr. G said that it’s totally understandable that I would go through so much pain and that I should feel the feelings and not suppress them.
7. Forgive yourself. There’s been a slew of mistakes I’ve made in my marriage and as a parent but I’ve learned that I need to let go of the guilt and move on. We need to treat ourselves like we would our best friend, being kind and compassionate, only wishing the best for us.
8. Don’t try to guess what other people are thinking. You can think all you want about what other people think about you but you’ll never know and what good does it do to dwell upon it?
9. You are worthy just because you were born. You don’t have to look for the approval of others to make you feel worthy. What about the fact that just because you are born and living on this earth that you are worthy?
10. You are not your mental illness. My mother committed suicide when I was 20 years old. She also had bipolar disorder. I was afraid of ending up like my mother. Dr. G said you absolutely will not end up like her because you have a completely different life than her. You have a loving husband and two wonderful kids. You lead a happy life.
So, thank you, Dr. G, for giving me these priceless pieces of advice. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I truly believe you were God-sent.
You can always count on illustrator Emily McDowell to come up with the perfect card. I loved her adorably Awkward series where she wrote these lengthy descriptions of feelings you only think about in your head. This time, she’s tackling a subject that’s near and dear to my heart, parenting.
As a mother of two toddlers under five, sometimes I just want to pull my hair out, I’m so frustrated. Just yesterday, Parker got mad at me for helping him with some homework and chucked a pen at Logan’s eye. I was furious! Luckily, the soft side hit Logan’s eyelid. We reprimanded Parker but I think it left a permanent mark in my heart. How could situations like this happen?
Though Emily just started this series with three cards, we can expect to see more in the spring.
As she wrote, “I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a while, because parenting is HARD. And having a baby is like signing up for a 24/7 job at the judgment factory– both from yourself and the world at large. It is 100% possible to both love your kid AND struggle with the day to day realities of parenthood, but so many parents (especially moms) don’t talk about this because they feel like there must be something wrong with them or they don’t want to be judged. But we need to talk about it– because talking helps. And laughing helps. And feeling normal helps.”
I just watched Bad Moms. (It was better than I thought.) These cards remind me of that movie.
Back in January, Adam Grant wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times Opinion section about how to raise a creative child. Interestingly, it was one of the NYT’s most engaging pieces on Facebook this year. I just read through the article and thought it had a lot of great points.
Sam and I raise Parker and Logan with a lot of rules. Don’t hit each other, no soda, iPad time only certain times of day. Yes, the kids break them but we try our best to enforce our rules. I never quite thought of teaching them “values” instead. Here’s what I mean.
“The parents of ordinary children had an average of six rules, like specific schedules for homework and bedtime. Parents of highly creative children had an average of fewer than one rule.
“Creativity may be hard to nurture, but it’s easy to thwart. By limiting rules, parents encouraged their children to think for themselves. They tended to ‘place emphasis on moral values, rather than on specific rules,’ the Harvard psychologist Teresa Amabile reports.
“Even then, though, parents didn’t shove their values down their children’s throats. When psychologists compared America’s most creative architects with a group of highly skilled but unoriginal peers, there was something unique about the parents of the creative architects: ‘Emphasis was placed on the development of one’s own ethical code.'”
Now, how do we teach our kids to be creative? That’s a question I often ponder. In this highly competitive world, how do you get your kids to succeed?
Heres’s the general answer:
“Yes, parents encouraged their children to pursue excellence and success — but they also encouraged them to find ‘joy in work.’ Their children had freedom to sort out their own values and discover their own interests. And that set them up to flourish as creative adults.
“When the psychologist Benjamin Bloom led a study of the early roots of world-class musicians, artists, athletes and scientists, he learned that their parents didn’t dream of raising superstar kids. They weren’t drill sergeants or slave drivers. They responded to the intrinsic motivation of their children. When their children showed interest and enthusiasm in a skill, the parents supported them.”
Instead of pushing Parker and Logan into certain sports or interests, I need to follow their lead and then support them.
I love the last paragraph in the article:
“Hear that, Tiger Moms and Lombardi Dads? You can’t program a child to become creative. Try to engineer a certain kind of success, and the best you’ll get is an ambitious robot. If you want your children to bring original ideas into the world, you need to let them pursue their passions, not yours.”
For today’s Photo a Day, I thought I’d go back in time and put together a short compilation post. (I know, I’m cheating a bit.) At what age do you stop kissing your kid on the lips? Sam and I talk about this often. Eight, nine, can I push it to ten? We love giving our kids tons of affection and there’s nothing quite as sweet as being able to kiss them on the lips. Until we have to stop, I’ll keep (secretly) taking these pictures of Sammy smooching Parker and Logan. Full of emotion, these photos just lighten my heart.
There’s nothing like a “Welcome home!” kiss.
Yesterday, we went to Santa Rosa Plateau to go on a hike. While there, I decided to try out one of the suggestions in the post 9 Times to Take Photos of Your Children, via A Cup of Jo, the one titled In the Air. Sam picked up Parker, who is well past that light baby stage, and threw him up as high as he would go. Parker reveled in the moment. I was able to catch this shot of his ecstatic expression. It was one of those sad yet sweet moments when you say to yourself, “I wish I could just freeze time!”
If there’s one book that has completely changed the way I parent it’s The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by authors Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. Before I read this book Sam and I felt somewhat lost as parents, when Parker would throw a fit we would often resort to yelling or putting him in a time-out. Parker would be so angry, he’d kick and scream, and at the worst, he’d bite or scratch us. We knew we weren’t doing something right, but what was it?
The Whole Brain Child explains in layman’s terms how the brain works. As it states in the introduction, “While the book is certainly scientifically based, you aren’t going to feel like you’re in science class or reading an academic paper. Yes, it’s brain science, and we’re absolutely committed to remaining true to what research and science demonstrate. But we’ll share this information in a way that welcomes you in, rather than leaving you out in the cold.”
Chapter 1 starts off by talking about parenting with the left and right side of the brain in mind. What’s going on inside our brains? How do the different parts of our brain work together? First, there’s the left side of the brain that helps you think logically. Then, there’s the right side of the brain that’s more emotion based. If our goal is to help our children use their whole brain, both their left-brain logic and their right-brain emotion should integrate, and we should provide our children with experiences where they can create connections between the different parts. Why isn’t integration easy? Because our children’s brains haven’t had time to develop. A person’s brain isn’t considered fully developed until the mid-twenties!
Chapter 2 goes into how to integrate the left and the right hemispheres. The left brain loves order, it’s logical and literal. The right side is more intuitive and emotional. Now here’s the interesting part. “In terms of development, very young children are right-hemisphere dominant, especially during their first three years.” They live completely in the moment, unable to use logic and words to express their feelings. As they grow older, when they’re conflicted, they may still start off with emotion. So first, you connect your right side of the brain to theirs by asking your child to explain what he’s feeling and then you echo back their emotions. That way, they feel as though you understand them, that they’re being heard. “When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs. We call this emotional connection ‘attunement,’ which is how we connect deeply with another person and allow them to ‘feel felt.'”
After that part, we redirect to the left side. This means we logically explain to them why things can’t be and/or provide realistic alternatives. This is the time to talk about their behavior and when we can discuss solutions. It’s called “connect and redirect” and though it won’t always work, especially when your child is past a point of no return or is overly tired and hungry, it’s a thoughtful way to parent.
Here’s an example of how we used this technique recently. Parker was going to sleep over at his grandma’s house but forgot to bring his bag of candy. He wanted to give a piece to grandma. As we were approaching her house he started to scream, “Go back! I forgot my candy! I have to give a piece to grandma!” It seemed like no big deal to us but to Parker it meant everything. Instead of turning the car around or telling him, “No way” we said, “Parker, you really want to give halmuni (grandma in Korean) some candy, don’t you? You think she’ll like it right?” He nodded yes. Then Sam said, “Well, halmuni can’t have too much sugar because too much sugar is bad for you.” To which Parker replied, “Ok, I understand.” It worked! There was no screaming and he didn’t throw a fit.
There are many more tips on how to parent in this book but I wanted to share the “connect and redirect” approach because it’s been effective in my family! After we connect with Parker on an emotional level, we then reason with him on a logical one and it seems to calmly resolve our problems. In fact, it’s been a full week since we started implementing this technique and we haven’t had one major blow up.
Have you read this book? What did you think of it?
Can someone please hand me a tissue? Maybe it’s because my own mom died when I was just 20 or that I’m thinking about my two little sons that this new P&G Olympics ad is affecting me so much. I knew, in general, what would be coming. Procter & Gamble has been using the same formula (“Thank you, Mom”) for the last six years. This two minute video, ok let’s call it a commercial, though, still hits close to home. As a P&G spokeswoman said, it was “inspired by the simple human truth that the daily courage a mom shows echoes at critical moments throughout her child’s life.” Maybe that’s what it was. The moments showed were ones you could relate to. It makes me think about how I need to be strong for both myself and my children.
We’re now just 100 days before the start of the Olympics. (Yay! Bring it on.)
via [Creativity]
Sam and I have been searching for a way to get rid of time-outs. Who wants to reprimand their kids? Also, do time-outs really work? A new article on The Atlantic asked Alan Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center, to give us parents some new tools instead.
The Atlantic: So what’s the short version of how to change behavior without punishment?
Kazdin: What it amounts to is an area of research that’s called applied behavior analysis, and what it focuses on are three things to change behavior: What comes before the behavior, how you craft the behavior, and then what you do at the end.
There are a whole bunch of things that happen before behavior and if you use them strategically, you can get the child to comply. Let’s say the child always just folds her arms and says, “no.” That’s not such a big deal, that’s actually easy to change, but a parent’s not going to be able to do it. They’re going to say, “you better do it because I say so,” or “we have to go,” or “you better do it now or I’m going to force this on you,” and that’s typical parenting.
So what comes before the behavior?
One is gentle instructions, and another one is choice. For example, “Sally, put on your,”— have a nice, gentle tone of voice. Tone of voice dictates whether you’re going to get compliance or not. “Sarah, put on the green coat or the red sweater. We’re going to go out, okay?” Choice among humans increases the likelihood of compliance. And choice isn’t important, it’s the appearance of choice that’s important. Having real choice is not the issue, humans don’t feel too strongly about that, but having the feeling that you have a choice makes a difference.
So now that’s what comes before the behavior.
And now the behavior itself. When you get compliance, if that’s the behavior you want, now you go over and praise it … very effusively, and you have to say what you’re praising exactly.
And now, there’s a game:
I say, “We’re going to play a game and here’s how this goes: I’m going to tell you you can’t do something, but you really can, and you can have a tantrum and you can get mad, but this time you’re not going to hit mommy, and you’re not going to go on the floor. And it’s only game, but if you can do that, I’m going to give you two points on this little chart.”
So the mom leans over and smiles and whispers in this cute way, “Okay, Billy, you cannot watch TV tonight.” And Billy, have your tantrum, and don’t hit mommy or go on the floor.
[After the fake tantrum], the child is probably smiling a little bit and the mom says with great effusiveness, “That was fabulous! I can’t believe you did that!”
Getting the child to practice the behavior changes the brain and locks in the habit. And we’ve only done it once. So now we say to Billy, “Billy, I bet you can’t do it again. I don’t think there’s a child on the planet who can do this twice in the row.” Billy’s smiling and says, “No I can, I can do it,” and I say, “Okay, okay, we’ll do one more.”
Now you do this again and the same thing happens. If the tantrum has many different components, you change your requirement—this time, you don’t do whatever. You practice it, maybe once or twice a day, and you do this for a while.
As you do this every few days, now there’s a real tantrum that occurs outside the game. And that tantrum is either a little or a lot better. Now, you go over there and say, “Billy I can’t believe it, we weren’t even playing the game, and look at what you did, you got mad at your sister, but you didn’t hit anybody! Billy, that was fantastic.”
Think this will work? I like how it incorporates positive reinforcement.
The basic fundamental approach is, what is going on before the behavior that you can do to change it? Can you get repeated practice trials? Can you lock it in with praise? What happens is that parents think of discipline as punishing, and in fact, that’s not the way to change behavior.
Yesterday was a monumental day, not only did Parker turn four he got his first real bike. Sam and I had been planning this moment for awhile, he started off by riding a Radio Flyer 4-in-1 trike, but had slowly outgrown it. For balance, he still needed to stay on more than two wheels but we decided to bump him up to a real bike with training wheels. After looking over all the inventory at Toys “R” Us we decided on the 16″ Disney Cars bike.
Sam’s parents asked us to buy Parker the bike on their behalf so we took it to their place for the big unveil. Parker got right on that bike and rode it like a pro! We were so impressed. In these pictures you can see the big smile on Parker’s face as we showed him his gift. Of course, we had to get a present for Logan too (since we didn’t give him a proper birthday present) so he got the Activity Ride On Thomas. Instead of actually riding it, he scooted it around. In between, Logan found some time to stop and smell the flowers. Love that mindful kid.
(We bought Parker a helmet but it didn’t fit on his head, that’s why you don’t see it in the photos.)
Hello, I’m Alice Yoo! I’m founder and CEO of Skylar Yoo, a company dedicated to inspiring and empowering women to be bold. We sell apparel, art prints and accessories to the modern feminist.
In my former life, I was editor-in-chief of the art and culture blog My Modern Met, which I founded back in 2007. I curated and wrote about art, design and photography for more than seven years. (In fact, I published over 7,000 articles which were seen by millions of people worldwide.) I’m also co-author of a book called For Love: 25 Heartwarming Celebrations of Humanity, which is on Amazon and wherever books are sold.
I live in southern California along with my husband and my two toddler boys.
This blog is about what I love, the tough experiences that I’ve learned from, and my journey as a second time entrepreneur. Right now, I’m in the midst of a 365 day challenge, to read one book a day. If you share my passions or want to learn some cool new facts, come along for the ride. I hope to inspire, educate and entertain you!
