March 15 2018

My Very Personal Struggle With Weight

On my Instagram, you’ll find this recent picture of me and my older sister. (We’re in downtown LA having a girls’/sisters’ night out.) Scroll through my feed and you’ll notice that it’s completely filled with pics of my dogs and my kiddos. I have a few pics scattered here and there of me. (And even less of Sam.) Why? Well, first, I hate how I look in pictures. As they say, we are our own worst critic. Second, I’m ashamed of my weight.

For most of my life I was a size six or a medium. It was only after I had kids that I ballooned up to a size 10 or a large. I was one of those women who packed on the pounds during pregnancy (we’re talking whale-style, 70 lbs), I had a “fourth meal” every night that consisted of something incredibly unhealthy like ramen. (Who doesn’t love Sapporo Ichiban?) It didn’t help that soon after I gave birth to Logan, I would be diagnosed with bipolar and put on two medications, one that would make me gain weight! (Yes, there is such a thing!) My appetite increased and I could no longer feel full.

Slowly I crept up to a size 12 and I started noticing all the cellulite accumulating on my thighs. I didn’t want to look in the mirror, my face felt pudgy, my stomach had extra rolls. I only wore two outfits – black leggings with long shirts that completely hid my shape. Although I appreciated fashion, I couldn’t buy anything, I felt too scared to put on a dress and not have it zip up.

Then, I had this major, breakthrough therapy session. (Thank you, Dr. G.) Why couldn’t I love and accept myself just the way I was? How come I couldn’t buy clothes that were larger and feel good in them? And so I did. I swallowed my pride and started buying everything in a size large. I started eating less and whittled my way to a size 10 (which I am right now). Suddenly, I started getting random compliments about my fashion sense. “Gorgeous sweater,” they’d say, or “Beautiful jacket.” My confidence grew. I fell in love with fashion.

For both health’s sake and because I enjoy a good challenge, I’m going to try to get back to a size 6. What does that mean? No late night eating. Smaller portions. Cutting back on desserts. No more soda. I need to stop eating when I’m satisfied, not full. (That was a nugget of wisdom from my therapist. That man’s a genius.)

And exercise! I’m super pumped because we ordered a Peloton. It comes next week. I already joined their private Facebook group, which consists of over 78K members. (Lots of activity in there.) I’m excited to chime in and be a part of that community. In the past, when I would work out at my local gym, I’d only really go for the spin classes. Afterwards, I would always be drenched in sweat. Guess what? I looooooved it! I promise to share with you my Peloton experience. (A full review will come in a few weeks.)

So…here goes! Let’s see if I have the discipline to achieve my weight loss goal. Drop 60 lbs by December 31st.

P.S. You’ll now see more pics of me on my Instagram. Some day, I may even talk to you in an Instagram story! Also, I vow to take more pics of me with my kids. What happens if I suddenly die? (Sorry for the morbid thought.) Time to get courageous! Come along on the ride with me. Hop on board the weight loss train. I need your support! If you’re trying to lose weight too, let’s do it together. We can do this!

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