February 7 2018

The Four Little Words That Haunted Me for a Decade

After writing post after post about products, I thought I’d open up a bit and tell you about the hardest decade of my life. It was around the time my mother committed suicide but that event didn’t trigger it. (Oddly enough.) It was one person (who name shall not be named) that once said to me four little words that completely shattered me. Mind you, I didn’t have much going in – my mother was very tough on us growing up so I never felt that confident, loved or secure. It was only after my success with My Modern Met that I started to feel a modicum of self-worth. Ok, so now you’re asking…what four words?!

One person, someone close to me, simply said: “You are not worthy.” Well, it was more like “You are not worthy of Sam.” (Sam, who is now my husband and who was, back then, my boyfriend.) Now, a person who had a little bit of self-esteem would have roared back, “F— you and your opinion! First of all, I don’t care what you think, and secondly, I know who I am and Sam and I are both lucky to have found each other.” Well, unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately…for my therapist), those words haunted me…for a full decade! Suddenly, an evil devil appeared on my shoulder telling me how terrible, stupid, and unworthy I was as a human being. How could I ever live up to “perfect” Sam? Why would anyone love me? It was a dark time, my friends, a dark, dark time. I had major social anxiety – I couldn’t be around people, especially big groups, for fear of being judged. I avoided people like the plague. To this day, I still don’t have a huge group of girlfriends, you could say I have major trust issues.

So, why am I telling you this? Because somewhere after 40, I decided it’s not my accomplishments in life that define who I am and how I’m going to feel about myself. And, I can’t look to others to make me feel special, that all comes from within me. Don’t give anyone else the power to make you feel unworthy. Let’s give ourselves a break. Hell, let’s be our own best friends and show kindness and compassion to ourselves. I’ve taught my own kids that everyone makes mistakes in life (everyone!), and those mistakes don’t define who you are. You make a mistake, you learn from it. You hurt someone, you say sorry. You fall down, you get back up. Love yourself, goddammit! There’s only one YOU.

That’s my rant for today. Love yourself, you got that? It’s so simple yet I wish someone would have told me that in my twenties! 🙂

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