February 3 2020

Faith (Not Fear) Will Make Me a Unicorn

Wow, it’s almost been a full year since I jumped on this blog. Truth be told, it’s not that I didn’t have the motivation to write anymore, I just didn’t know what to write about. I wanted to share stories with you, lessons even, but I was so consumed with making Skylar Yoo a success, I put writing on the backburner.

A lot has changed in the past year. I got this new life coach, her name is Amy Perkins, and she encouraged me to get outside my comfort zone and try making these videos on LinkedIn. Now, I don’t consider myself an expert at really anything. I love dabbling at this and that, I love starting up businesses, and in terms of hobby, I really love taking pictures (but mostly of my kids). So the question was: What the hell do I say in these videos?

Now, in the past few years, I’ve realized that there is some kind of force, for me that’s God but for you it may be the universe, that’s leading me somewhere, I just had to listen. I had to be still. Wasn’t it Steve Jobs who so famously said, “Creativity is just connecting things?”

One sunny day, on the way to meet an old friend for lunch, I was driving down the freeway when I looked up to see a digital billboard. There was no corporate logo. It just said this: “Live with Faith.” I thought, “Hey, that’s a simple concept but one I could easily adopt. I should trust in God that everything will work out in the end.” I searched my big ass purse for a pen and quickly scribbled the sentence on my notebook.

Well, I get to my destination, a Thai restaurant my friend and I are meeting up at, and as I’m exiting the car, I glance down at my notebook. To my shock, I had not written, “Live with Faith” rather I had written “Life with Fear.” I was flabbergasted. Who wrote that? Obviously me, but what did it mean? Well, I thought about it some and I realized that there’s really two ways to live.

You can either believe that the world is a cold, dark, ugly place where everyone is out to get you or you can believe that people are inherently good and that the earth is a friendly, happy place. I choose to believe the latter and that there’s a higher power at work. GOD. The more we open ourselves up to him, have faith, the more he shows himself to us.

Personally, I’ve been struggling to find a new purpose in life. For days, I’ve been asking him, “Please use me. Show me what I can do to make a difference in the world.” Then, I FUCKING HAD A DREAM!!! (Sorry for the f-word, God.) In the dream, I was with a girl from the Netflix show You, she was the badass landlord in season 2, and we were both wearing these glasses and looking at photos and art. When we’d put the glasses on, the scenes would magically turn into something completely different. It was like magic. The “You” girl turned to me and said, “How often do you see the scenes changing because for me it only happens once a day.” I turned to her and said, “It happens to me every time I look through the glasses. Every damn time.” THEN. I took the glasses off, and I didn’t need them anymore. I saw the world through different eyes. What many people see is literally what they see, like trees, mountains, and lakes, but to me the scene has a story, a meaning, a history, a SIGN.

I woke up and had this overwhelming feeling of love and happiness inside of me. A little voice inside of me said, “This was a message from God.” So I wracked my brain for days. DAYS! What did this all mean? I was reading a lot more so did it mean I would find knowledge and meaning in the world through educating myself? No, that didn’t feel right. So three days pass and I put the puzzle in the back of my mind. I jump on my Peloton bike for my daily workout when it hits me.

God made me bipolar for a reason. First, he wanted me to experience hypomania, mania, psychosis and depression so that I could deeply understand what those with a mental illnesses, particularly bipolar, are going through. Next, he wanted to show me that in hypomania, I could feel confident, creative and on top of the world. That means, it’s a possibility that I could feel that way all the time. The glasses symbolized to me “going manic.” You see, when I go manic I see signs everywhere. I feel like God is talking to me through EVERYTHING – like street signs, magazines, conversations. I also notice patterns everywhere, a lot of the time, they don’t make any sense but I’m hyper-aware of patterns.

For the past six months, I’ve been off my meds and I have been regulating myself through eating right, stressing out less, meditating, journaling, praying and exercising. I haven’t gone manic once. In fact, because I’m off my meds, I experienced some pretty high highs and some pretty shitty lows. Now, if you’re on meds, you may need them, so talk to your doctor. Please don’t just get off your meds because I did. I had been on meds for five fucking years and I was ready to try living without them.

So what happened between when I had the dream and when I could finally decipher it? Four important things.
1. I listened to Oprah’s SuperSoul podcast with the Rock and decided I could have a different and better relationship with my mother since she’s now a spirit. I can understand what my mother was going through, while she was alive, and forgive her for her shortcomings.
2. I boldly sent an email to a friend who’s going through depression to check in and see how he’s doing. Now, let me just tell you I have been shit scared of this person for decades.
3. I gave up vaping. Yes, like a sad high schooler, I was addicted to my grape vape. It was damn delicious and it calmed my nerves. However, being an all or nothing person, I became super addicted to it and had to puff every 10 minutes. I was a slave to it and it ruining my health and my self-esteem.
4. I created a vision board and on one of the index cards I wrote, “I am grateful that Gods shows me signs, visions and dreams.”

It was only after I did those things when I suddenly felt FREE. It was like I had all these thick layers between me and God and I couldn’t hear what he was telling me because my mind and heart were consumed by my anger and resentment towards my mother, my fear of feeling stupid in front people and my hardcore addiction to vaping.

Right after I interpreted my dream, I starting bawling on my bike. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like someone has zapped lightening up my ass. If I put total FAITH in God AND work my ass off, anything is possible. He’ll lead me to my goal: Creating the next big unicorn.

(Art by Lisa Frank.)

“Understand: you are one of a kind. Your character traits are a kind of chemical mix that will never be repeated in history. There are ideas unique to you, a specific rhythm and perspective that are your strengths, not your weaknesses. You must not be afraid of your uniqueness and you must care less and less what people think of you.” – The 50th Law by 50 Cent

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